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The more polished and put-together things looked on the outside, the more chaotic they were on the inside.
This is a photo from about 5 years ago. Things for sure looked fabulous, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt more insecure and on edge. It’s like my appearance, the hair, the makeup, the lip fillers, the lashes, the nails, all of it was me trying to run away from the thoughts that were eating me up inside.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not pretty enough.
Other girls are funnier, kinder, and more easy-going than I am.
I need to be flawless to be worthy.
And when I kept feeling insecure about myself and my relationship no matter what I looked like, it turned into anger. Defensiveness. Frustration. Aggression. ‘Cause if I can’t be perfect I need to start protecting myself in some way to prevent the inevitable pain of my relationship ending.
Today, a couple of years later, I can look back on my journey with clarity. I understand exactly what was going on.
I understand why I went to therapy for anxiety, anger, and depression. I understand why my boyfriend always had to be on the receiving end of my insecurities. I understand why I wasn’t improving.
What I’ve come to realize is that the only protection I need is from myself. Because I was and will always be the only person who can destroy me. Who can make me feel worthless and horrible.
Healing my relationship with myself has allowed me to stop chasing perfection, stop trying to control my partner, and just enjoy the amazing life and relationship I have. Can you relate to my story? Do you feel like you’re on a never-ending sprint towards perfection, away from your inner monologue?
I can help you heal this relationship with yourself so that you can finally start enjoying the amazing relationship you have with your partner. Apply for a free consultation here if you want to discuss your situation and create a plan for change.